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No, seriously.  You people have to chill right the hell out.

The news that Apple’s iPhone and iPad store a hidden file with “fixes” of your location over a period of time has got to be the smallest invasion of “privacy” since the invention of caller ID.  But given the coverage of this story in the last day or so, you would think that the entire details of millions of iPhone users’ lives were just put on Facebook.

Oh, wait. I forgot that is what happens every minute of every single day.  Voluntarily.

In case you have missed the past 24 hours of the news cycle, the deal is this.  A couple of security research geeks published details of the “secret” file that exists on iPhones (and the version of the iPads that carry a data-only 3G cell phone circuit).  In this file is stored information of where the phone’s location has been calculated over a period of time.

Well this is it.  Proof positive that Apple is indeed as evil as all the people who have hated it for years knew it to be.

Because clearly, this secret file was being secretly transmitted back to Apple’s secret data banks in North Carolina.  And so Apple CEO Steve Jobs is absolutely sitting in a room somewhere with a giant map screen, tracking the movements of every iPhone and iPad user, probably to determine how often they drive past the nearest Apple Store.

Except it just isn’t true.

First of all, the existence of this “secret” file was first reported some months back by a digital forensics expert. The new angle really is that this file is “unencrypted”, meaning that it isn’t that secure.  IF you happen to be a major computer geek with a knowledge of the computer software that powers the iPhone/iPad operating system AND you have access to the device itself or the computer that the iPhone or iPad syncs up to then you can access this hidden file.  Once you’ve done all that, you can open the file and read it.

What you can’t make out GPS coordinates and Latitude/Longitude information?  Well helpfully, the security geeks who “outed” the existence of this secret, un-encrypted file have written an application for your Mac that will allow you to display a map of where your iPhone or iPad has been for up to the past six months or so. Within an error factor that can range from a few feet to a couple of miles.

So what you need to lock up right now is the computer that you hook up your iPhone or iPad to.  That thing has this secret file in it.  Plus all of your porn and emails to AdultFriendFinder.com

This whole story would still be somewhat incriminating if a couple of more things weren’t true.

Like there is no evidence that this file ever has or actually even  can be transmitted from an iPhone to anywhere else.  Or that you actually agreed to give Apple this information when you first activate your iPhone, as part of the software license.  Or that this same information has actually been available to your cell phone company if you have ANY kind of cell phone—because the nature of how cell phones work is based on the idea of “triangulating” the signal of your phone to the nearest cell phone tower.

Why do you think they always use those “disposable” cell phones in every spy movie?

Um, hello?  Calling Jason Bourne!

Look, I’m as much as a believer in being able to maintain my privacy as the next paranoid schizophrenic.  But I’ve accepted the fact that you have to give up some privacy to have the convenience of being able to make a phone call, search the internet, play Angry Birds or download Apps that make fart noises–from damn near anywhere you want.

Don’t trust me?  Heck even the NY Times’ David Pogue says there isn’t much of big deal here.  And he knows shit.  How do we know?  Because he writes for the Times, y’all.

Listen, I will start being ticked off about this when Apple starts calling me three or four times a day offering me an extended repair warranty on my car or maybe to end all of my credit card debt.

Until then, I’m going to worry more about more pressing matters like watching too much TV as a kid is probably harming my health a half century later.

Great.

Well actually, no I’m not.

Not that this blog would be any indication.  It’s been since freakin’ January since I posted a single thing here.  When I wrote my last post, the football season wasn’t over.  Now the baseball season is in full swing.  Then?  It was definitely winter.  Now? it is very spring like outside at the moment.

Back then, I still owned a house in Connecticut.  Now, I’m happy to report that I don’t. (Though I do miss the friends that came with that house. Very much.)

Then, I was living in a hotel room in my newly adopted city of Cincinnati.  Now… well I’m still living in a hotel room in Cincinnati.  So yes, some things haven’t changed.  But I am working on that front and hopefully will be moved into a new residence in the next few weeks.

There are a bunch of reasons that I haven’t been writing here since January.  Most are pretty lame and involve being too busy with a new job, selling the old place, moving everything I own into a warehouse that probably resembles that last scene in “Raiders of The Lost Ark”, plus some other small excuses, and then one last thing that I can’t really talk about.

Not trying to be dramatic there, but there has actually been a serious reason that I have kept a low online profile here of late.  Without going into too much detail, let’s just say that I didn’t want to be in the middle of an issue that was playing out.  As the quote says, “When elephants fight..it’s the grass that suffers.”  In this case, the grass has been trampled and burned pretty badly and while I’m not a fan of scorched earth situations–sometimes it is just the smarter move to keep quiet and keep moving.

Which is exactly what I have been up to.  But at some point there is no grass left and then the elephants move on.  The sun shines again, and the grass that has been trampled and burned, always finds a way to grow again.

So, apologies to “Dr. Evil” in the first “Austin Powers” movie for stealing his line.  And to those of you who have been checking in to see if there was anything new here.  Sorry to have been away for so long.  Thanks for your patience.

But I’m back now.  With a vengeance.