The questions around the “can’t touch this” signal performance woes of the just one-week-old iPhone 4 have grown to a fever pitch.

So the folks at Apple officially responded with a letter today explaining what they think the problem is:  Better bars.

Yes, the folks from Cuperino (not to be confused with Cupidtino, the dating site for boys and girls who are just too Apple) have studied the issue of the iPhone 4′s supposed suppressed signal strength, and have decided that the problem is that the iPhone (and they mean ALL iPhones, regardless of vintage) doesn’t display it’s “bars” properly.  Those little indications of cell signal have been incorrectly calculated since Apple started making cell phones.  Apple promises a software update shortly that will fix this calculation and show the more correct signal in the upper left corner of the iPhone.

Critics and unhappy iPhone 4 users are mostly calling “bull” on this explanation, and their arguments are supported somewhat by a series of online investigations into how the design of the iPhone 4 and its wrap-around metal band antennas, may really be impacted by the way a user holds the phone.  There will be no belief that the way the bars are or are not displayed has anything to do with the fact that the new iPhone is just a piece of badly engineered junk.

Remarkably, it turns out that no small number of these critics and unhappy users are not actually iPhone 4 owners. Shockingly, many are just people who know that anything Apple makes is crap.

So here is some real world experience from a real iPhone 4 owner and user:

The signal issue isn’t just a calculation problem, though it is entirely possible that the marginal AT&T reception I get at my home is even worse that my iPhone displays.  So I will be looking forward to seeing how much worse it really is.

But after my previous post and serious consideration of taking my one week old phone back to the Apple store for a refund–and a return to my former iPhone 3GS, the rather amazing woman that I’m married to took matters into her own hands and brought me home an official Apple “bumper” for the disappointing Apple of my i.

I was skeptical that a thirty dollar piece of rubber/plastic was going to do much other than destroy the unquestionable good looks of the iPhone 4.  But I put it on and promptly made about a thirty minute call to my older daughter down in Maryland.  And a remarkable thing happened.

Nothing.  But just a call.  A 30-plus minute call with nothing.  No dropped signals.  No “are you there still” moments.

The iPhone worked as..a phone.  Well, a cell phone still.  It had the same issues as every other cell phone I have ever used, in that the signal wasn’t consistent for the whole call, but I’ve seen that happen on cell phones on every network that is out there.  The now-covered iPhone 4 was just fine as a phone.  But then another thing happened.

After 24 hours, my battery was doing much better on how much was left in the tank.

(ALERT: Non-scientific hypothesis follows) I chalk this up to the fact that when I am holding the phone, if I’m getting even a slightly better signal, the unit doesn’t have to “scan” as much for a better signal and thus less work for the radio inside the iPhone 4 could mean less drain on the battery and thus it holds up a bit better.  I know this was true to some degree even on my previous iPhone, but on the “bumpered” 4th generation model it seems to be more pronounced.

There are reports on the internet that if you go into the Apple store and are persistent/obnoxious/bitchy/rude/whatever enough, they’ll give you a “bumper” for free, just to shut you up and/or keep you a happy customer.  This jives with the many first hand reports that there are large supplies of “bumpers” behind the Genius Bar at every Apple store.  I’m not sure I can buy into that conspiracy theory completely, but I can point out that Apple now is giving all iPhone purchasers a full 30 days to return the item (undamaged, of course) with no questions asked and no “restocking fee” deducted.

I have to admit, I’d be a lot happier if they would step up and give every iPhone purchaser a bumper for free, or even a 30 dollar gift card to use towards the purchase of a bumper or some other cool case if they have .  It wouldn’t break Apple’s bank account, and there is a precedent in that they have done this before–sending all original purchasers of the iPhone in 2007 a $100 gift certificate when they lowered the price of that first model just a short time after it was introduced.

Mr. Jobs, if by some chance this blog has made it to your attention, give some thought to this idea because it could be a huge PR move.

Here’s the bottom line from your author.  A day ago, I was seriously thinking of returning my iPhone 4.  That would have been a first for any Apple product for me.

Now that I have a bumper on my my phone (which for some inexplicable reason reminds me of those motel bathrooms that used to have the paper strip around the toilet seat with the words “Sanitized for your protection”)

Sanitized!

…it is now much more certain that I will keep my iPhone 4 for the full thirty days of the return period.

And probably long after that.

(As always, your mileage may vary–but if you can get your hands on one, I’d suggest trying it for yourself instead of being swayed by anything you might read or hear.  Even from me.)